Questions and Answers

Sex

Does the Bible teach that premarital sex is wrong?

First of all, sex is not dirty. God designed the act of sex to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage, and there is nothing more beautiful than sex between a man and woman who love each other and are committed to each other in marriage. The Bible says in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

The Bible is not against sex. But it is against sex outside of the bounds of marriage which God has established. Several passages speak against fornication, which is sex between a man and woman where one or both of the partners are unmarried, and against adultery, where one or both of the partners are married to another person. The apostle Paul wrote, "To avoid fornication let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." (1 Corinthians 7:2 NASB). He also wrote, "For it is God's will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his or her body in a way that is holy and honorable." (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5 NIV).

The entertainment industry glorifies sex, with sexual activity or adultery occuring on countless TV shows and movies. They portray sex between unmarried couples as normal without consequences. But with all the pressure from friends and the media to engage in sexual activity, God has provided a way for you to escape temptation (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). Paul advised young Timothy, "Flee youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Timothy 2:22).

Why do I have to wait until I am married to have sex?

Believe me, when you woke up this morning, God did not say, "Let's see, what can I do to make -------'s life miserable today?" He loves you and wants to protect you, for He knows what is best. God wants the best for you, and He has your best interests at heart, so He warns you to wait. There are so many negative consequences to face, and He would rather you enjoy sex without fear or worry as He intended within the bonds of marriage.

There are consequences...

Physically. First, there are many different types of diseases which are transmitted sexually, some of which are incurable and cause death, such as hepatitis or AIDS. There is also much ridicule and embarassment when others find out you have contacted a sexually transmitted disease. Second, God doesn't want you to become one of the millions of unmarried teenage girls who get pregnant every year and have to face the problems and heartache that pregnancy can create, plus the fear and uncertainty of raising a child alone.

Emotionally. When you engage in sexual activity as a teen, you live in fear and worry. Questions always plague your mind: "What if my parents find out? What if I get pregnant and we break up? What if we get caught?" Then there is also the guilt you face the morning after, and the shame of having a reputation as being easy or cheap. You no longer feel good about yourself and your relationship with God, and you wonder if you are truly loved or just being used for your body.

Relationally. Your relationship could begin to be centered around sex instead of getting to know and learn about each other. You used to talk and go places together, but now all you do is have sex. If you end up marrying another person, your spouse may feel insecure and wonder if you are comparing him or her to your previous partners. Plus the suspense and thrill is gone and makes your wedding night not quite as special as it could have been.

Spiritually. Your testimony at school will be shattered ("He/She is not different. They are just like everybody else."), and you will have damaged your relationship with other Christians, and with God. You will feel like a hypocrite, and like you have let God down and your Christian friends down.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex and are committed to remaining pure, but sometimes we get carried away in our passion. How far is too far?

You are not the only one to ask this question. However, it is hard to draw a line in the sand and say, "You can come up to this point, but then go no further." Let me explain it this way: In England during the 18th century, a king was searching for a new chariot driver. As he interviewed each candidate, he asked them, "If you were driving me on a winding moutain road, how close could you come to the edge of the road without going over?" One man responded, "I'm so good, I could drive within 18 inches of the edge." Another responded, "I could drive within 6 inches of the edge." But another driver responded, "I would drive as far away from the edge as possible." It was this driver that got the job.

First, as a Christian teen, it is not your duty to see how close to the edge you came come without going over the side. Instead of wondering how far you can push the envelope, there are better questions to be considered concerning your boyfriend or girlfriend, like "What can I do to show my boyfriend how much I care about him and love him?" Your main concern should not be how far you can go. You've already "crossed the line" when you place your own physical needs above the other person.

Second, God's Word commands us to love one another, and as 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 describes it, our love is to be the kind which is selfless and seeks out God's best for others. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is a child of God, and you should treat them as such. If you do not love and treat them as a child of God, then you have "crossed the line."

Finally, physical affection between a girl and a guy is exciting because God made it that way. And there is a progression which couples naturally follow as they draw emotionally closer. As you grow out of one stage, it naturally leads to another. Holding hands leads to hugging, which leads to casual kissing, which leads to prolonged kissing, which leads to French kissing, which leads to undressing, etc., etc. As you progress into the next stage, the excitement builds and it becomes harder to stop. If I could draw a physical line, I would draw it after prolonged kissing. You cannot go too far pass this line without asking for trouble. If you and your date are committed to remain sexually pure until marriage, and as Christians you should be, then setting standards and convictions and drawing lines will help you to resist when the passion gets a little too hot.

Are lustful thoughts wrong? The way some girls dress, I wish I could put blinders on my eyes.

If a guy likes to look at other girls, he might say something like: "It's okay to window shop as long as I don't buy anything." But this is contrary to what Jesus taught. He said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery; but I say unto you, That whoseover looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28).

Sometimes when you see an attractive person, even on television or in magazine, a sudden thought may run through your mind. I don't think this fleeting thought is sin. But it is what you do with the thought that may turn into sin. Do you toss the thought away quickly? Or do you dwell on it until it becomes a desire which you would fulfill if given the opportunity? "Every man is tempted," James tells us, "when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin." (James 1:14-15).

In our modern world, this battle of the mind has become increasingly difficult. Everywhere you go, you see people wearing tight-fitting and revealing clothing, or clothing which accentuates their bodies, and TV and movies are filled with it. While locking yourself in your home may sound appealing, it is not a viable option for most people. No wonder Paul said, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK on these things." (Philippians 4:8). As Christians we have a responsiblity to (1) ourselves, not to look at immoral scenes in movies or magazines, or to put ourselves in a situation that will create temptation for us, and (2) a responsibility to others, to dress in a manner that does not attract attention to our bodies and creates temptation for those around us.

How can I resist the pressure to have sex?

Set standards NOW! Set your standards and convictions and determine to live by them and not compromise, even if it means that you lose friends and are not popular.

Be accountable. Whether it be at a Christian Club at school or your church youth group, find someone you trust to talk to and share your convictions and your experiences while on a date. This person can help you to be strong and to stay on track.

Let your convictions show. By the way you talk and the way you dress at school, or while on a date, you can make it clear that sex is not on your mind.

Keep your mind and thoughts pure. Be careful about what you watch on TV, what movies you attend, and what magazines you read, for most of them scream at you that sex outside of marriage is okay. Spend time in prayer and Bible study everyday, and hang out with your Christian friends at school or after school. Let Philippians 4:8 be your guide to keeping your thought life pure.

End harmful relationships. Choose people who share your beliefs and convictions to date or to be your closest friends. Join a Christian Club or youth group for fellowship and support. If a friend or a date is pressuring you into becoming sexually active, then break the relationship immediately, gently but firmly.

Ask God for help. God has promised that He would not permit you to be tempted beyond what you are able to stand, and with every temptation, He would provide a way to escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). Learn to look for those avenues of escape and take them immediately. And learn to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance in your life. When that cute guy in math class asks you out, you may feel the Spirit's gentle voice of instruction in your heart to say no.

I just found out I am pregnant. I feel so guilty and embarassed. What do I do?

The very first thing you should do is pray, tell God you are sorry, and ask Him to forgive you. You may feel dirty or cheap, but God can forgive and cleanse you, and make you feel good about yourself again. God's Word says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9).

Hopefully, your boyfriend is responsible and the two of you can discuss plans to get married and to raise the baby. If your boyfriend has abandoned you, the next thing you should do is to seek help. You don't have to go through this alone. Talk to your parents about it. Sure, they'll be hurt and disappointed, but they love you and desire to help you get through this time. There are so many things to do to prepare for a baby and so many tough decisions to make, and you'll need their guidance and assistance. If for some reason you cannot talk to your parents, seek the help of a Christian Counseling center or a Pastor. With good Christ-centered counseling, your options and decisions will become more clear. It may not seem like it right now, but there is life after an unplanned pregnancy.

Is masturbation a sin? As you would know, many adolescent boys have, well to put it frankly, certain urges when it comes to the female form. Just wondering, as I have only recently become a Christian and would like to learn more about sin and certain things.

Without question we live in a sex-driven society. You cannot walk down the street, listen to the radio, watch television, go to a movie, or simply be in a public place, (sometimes even go to church) without being confronted with sexual images or seeing girls who dress provocatively (and guys too!). And because our sexual side is easily aroused, we have to deal with all this sometimes on a day-to-day basis.

So, if we can take away the images everything will be alright? Not necessarily. Even if we did not have all these images to deal with, we would still have a problem. This is why masturbation has to be dealt with from a spiritual side. And don't think you are alone. Temptations are common to us all.

Let's consider a few of the things the Bible has to say about sexual issues outside of marriage. Jesus said, "Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matt. 5:28). Here Jesus says that adultery actually takes place in our hearts, whether or not we ever actually commit the act. For this reason masturbation is not simply a physical act, but is a sign something is wrong in the heart.

Paul said, "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body." (1 Cor. 6:18). James said, "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust." (James 1:13,14).

Hence we see the real problem. It is an issue of lust. So it's not whether masturbation is a sin. The real issue at the root of the problem is how to deal with lust. The question is, "Why are you doing this?" Are you thinking of a person, or looking at provocative photos or images while you are committing the act? Do you feel it dominates you, or other words, that you cannot control yourself?

How does one get victory over this? Let me share with you what won't work. First understand that simply being a Christian does not take lust away. Secondly, understand that you don't 'reform' lust. This means that you cannot fast lust away, pray lust away, drive lust away, or, make enough vows so that lust will get the idea and just disappear. Certainly, one should pray and fast, but that will not mean you will never be tempted again. Fleshly desires are going to be with us until the day we go to be with Jesus.

What then does work? Paul said, "If by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live." The only way to conquer lust of any sort, is to do it by the Spirit. Our hearts have to be turned towards the Lord. This is part of what Paul means when he says 'the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death." (Rom 8:2). Paul also said that sin shall not have dominion over you - it shouldn't control you, but you should control it. Jesus won our victory on the cross so that we no longer have to slaves to sin. Be filled with the Spirit. Study God's Word daily - David said in Psalm 119:11, "Thy Word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against thee."

Remove any sources of temptation. If watching certain TV shows and movies, reading certain magazines, or watching music videos makes you think lustful thoughts, then quit watching or reading them. Fill that time with praying and studying the Bible, listening to Christian radio, or reading books by Christian authors. The battle takes place in our minds. This is why Paul said, "Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." (Philippians 4:8).

And this is why the apostle John said, "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) This can only mean that every believer has an inward power source that can be drawn from, that can disable any temptation. This power source replaces fleshly desires with holiness desires. God has promised that we would not be tempted above what we are able to bear (1 Cor. 10:13). But this is also where living in grace comes from. What Paul also means is that when Jesus took all our sins to Himself, in God's redemption program we died to sin. Therefore sin no longer has the power to be our master. The short side of this is that a believer always has an atonement for his or her sins. It is in the atonement of the cross that we can draw from the power of the cross, that is, the Holy Spirit effecting the cross in us.

It's similar to the old Indian legend where a man described his life as having two wolves constantly fighting inside him, a good wolf and an evil wolf. The one who wins the fight is the one he feeds the most. While that may sound a little odd, just think about it. It will make sense. If you are feeding the flesh, then fleshly thoughts will dominate your life. If you are feeding the spirit, then your thoughts will be thoughts of holiness and peace.

I'm sure you will be tempted again, and that Satan will battle against you in your mind. He battles against any child of God. But remember, God will not permit you to be tempted above what you are able to bear - this is a precious promise that you can handle the temptation or test. And always remember, that if you sin, God is not a slave driver who will whip you. But He is a loving, Heavenly Father, full of mercy and quick to forgive. 1 John 1:9 states, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

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