Questions and Answers

Self Image and Self-Esteem

I think God really messed up when He made me. Why don't I like the way I look?

I doubt if there is one person who ever existed that looked in the mirror and liked everything he or she saw, and did not want to changed something. All of us, at one time or another, have looked in the mirror and said, "Yuck!" Yes, even your homecoming queen. But the truth is, God does not make mistakes. Whether you think you are too tall, too skinny, too short, too wide, too ugly, or think your wheelchair is not a practical fashion accessory, God made you just as you are and He thinks you are perfect. If we all looked the same, then no one would be special (see Psalms 139:13-18). But since God made each of us different, that makes each one of us special, and God loves you very, very much. While man looks at the outward appearance, the Lord looks at the heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7).

The entertainment industry has a lot to do with why you are unhappy with yourself. It has established a standard for how guys and girls should look. Guys should be tall, athletic, and muscular with perfect complexions. Girls should be tall and thin, well proportioned, with perfect hair, smiles and skin. And they should dress in the latest fashions and have the latest hair styles. The media says that a person is good-looking if they meet these standards. If you have accepted the media's standard as your standard, then you probably don't like the way you look, no matter how hard you try. No, there's nothing wrong with dressing in the current styles, as long as it is not the standard by which you judge yourself. What is popular today will not be popular tomorrow. The media's standard is constantly changing. Bellbottoms are cool now, and they were cool in the 1960's and early 70s. But if you wore bellbottoms in the 80s, you would have been laughed at (believe me, I know).

What is the difference between a negative, positive, and healthy self-image?

A person with a negative self-image does not like themselves. They are pessimistic, lack confidence, are self-conscious about their appearance, and constantly worry about the opinion of others. They find it hard to receive love from another, for they don't see how anyone could possible like, or (gulp!) love them, even God. They are not happy with themselves, so they search for happiness in relationships or in possessions or a hobby. They are possessive in their relationships and obsessive in their interests. A person with a positive self-image is the opposite. They are conceited, constantly focus on themselves and their desires, and are "know-it-alls". After talking about themselves for a lengthy time on a date, they are heard saying, "Well, enough about me, what do you think of me?" They love mirrors, like their name "in lights" and want credit for everything they do. They don't need anyone else, and don't feel a need for God.

A person with a healthy self-image is balanced between the negative and positive images. They think highly of themselves because they know God thinks highly of them. They are not arrogant, but confident and secure, and like to help others meet their needs. A Christian with a healthy self-image is aware of his or her position in Christ, and knows that the opinions or views of their friends can never change that. A healthy self-image is humble because it recognizes its source, and knows it has self-worth only because of Christ. They make Philippians 2:3-4 a guide for living, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others".

Why do I always compare myself to other people?

You have a desire to see how well you measure up, and if you are doing as well as your best friend, then everything must be okay. If you're not doing as well, then you feel terrible about yourself. Because each person is different, you will always find someone who you think is better or worse than you. Gauging yourself against others can be frustrating and is not a good way to judge yourself. If you aren't as pretty, smart, athletic, or gifted as another, then you will have bad feelings about yourself, or perhaps even feel like a failure. If you think you are prettier, smarter, more athletic, or more gifted, then you will look down on your friend and consider yourself a better person.

Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to Christ instead. Instead of saying, "Am I as good as Joe Student?", ask yourself, "When others look at me, do they see Jesus?" He is the only perfect person who ever lived, and we should strive to be more like Him everyday. There is no Biblical standard to live up to concerning your outward appearance. But there is a Biblical standard concerning your inward appearance. Read this: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23).

I won't take the initiative to do anything because I'm so afraid of goofing things up. Why am I so afraid of failing?

It is possibly the result of many factors over the years of your life. You know the feelings too well: you show your parents your report card, and instead of bragging about the five A's, they come down hard on you about the one "C". Or perhaps they compare you to an older sister or to a neighbor's kid, "Why can't you be more like your sister? Why can't you do things right like Joe Neighbor can? You'll never amount to anything!" It's not that they mean to hurt you, and probably don't realize they are. It's just that they too are victims of the same prevailing attitude in our society that people are judged, not by who they are, but by what they do and how well they do it.

This is the great thing about following Christ. He loves us just because of who we are, and not because of how well we perform. If you fail, God does not reject you. He is the God of second chances! You've heard the old cliche, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." How true it is. After all, the person who never fails at anything, probably never does anything.

Why can't I do some things well like my friends? I seem to be all thumbs sometimes, and can't seem to do anything right.

God gives different abilities to different people. We all want to do something, but we measure our success by the greatness of our accomplishments. We should measure it, however, by whether we have accomplished our purpose. The world would say that the Pastor in a large metropolitan city, who has a 10,000 member church, an international TV program, and has authored a series of bestselling books, is a great success. But the world would say that the Pastor of a small country church in rural Alabama with only 20 members is not a success. However, if God has called each person to be a Pastor and they have each done their task faithfully and to the best of their ability, then each person is a success in God's eyes. Solomon wrote, "Whatsover thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might." (Ecclesiastes 9:10). You may not be able to do some things as well as others. But because of the gifts and talents God has given you, there are some things you can do better than others. With each person having different gifts and abilities, we need each other, for no one person can do it all.

Not everyone can be a teacher or a preacher or a missionary. Someone has to sing in the choir. Someone has to play an instrument. Someone has to clean the sanctuary, put together the bulletin, greet visitors, go street witnessing, organize the clothing and food pantry, and the list goes on and on. Each job requires special talents or abilities, and the person who fills each position is a success if they "do it with thy might". Someone who is artistic would be great at designing the weekly bulletin or the church's brochure, but would not be a good youth leader. Someone who has leadership qualities and loves children would make a great youth leader, but would put together one ugly bulletin. No job God gives you is more or less important than the task He gives to another person. Read closely the words of Paul, "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: so we, being many, are one body in Christ....having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us." (Romans 12:3-5,6).

God has given you special abilities and has a job for you that only you can do! Perhaps you could be another John the Baptist! Think I'm kidding? Read this verse closely: "John did no miracle: but all things that John spake of (Jesus) were true. And many believed on him there." (John 10:41-42).

Did you see it? Let me spell it out for you: J-o-h-n d-i-d n-o m-i-r-a-c-l-e. John the Baptist was a voice, a lone voice, crying in a wilderness of sin and religious arrogance. He never done any miracles. He never made a lame man walk. He never opened a blinded eye, or unstopped a deaf ear. He never turned water to wine or made a feast from a few loaves and fishes. John the Baptist just pointed the way --- the way to Christ --- to bear witness of the Light. "One mightier than I cometh," He proclaimed, "the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to unloose."

If you find yourself unsatisfied with your Christian experience, and think you don't do enough; if you think you don't have any special talents or abilities; if you do not see great miracles or signs wrought by your hands, as they were by the apostles, and other great Christians down through the ages; then read this: John the Baptist never performed a miracle, but Jesus said of him, "Among those that are born of women there is not a greater prophet than John the Baptist." What John could do, he done with all his heart, and that was to be a voice, a witness of the Light. And long after John was gone, we still see the effects of his ministry --- "and many believed on (Jesus) there." (John 10:42). And isn't that the most important thing?

Am I important to God, and does He really care about me?

Oh, God cares about you so much, and loves you so very, very much. If the message of the entire Bible could be summed up into one verse, it would be this: "For God so loved (insert your name here), that he gave his only begotten Son, that (insert your name here) should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn (insert your name here), but that (insert your name here) might be saved through him." (John 3:16-17). Did you not notice in that verse that God loves you so much that He gave up His Son for you? God accepts you because of what Jesus Christ has done for you on the cross. He died for your sins and has taken away every offense that might come between you and God.

Let's consider the sparrow. You may see this little bird in your yard every once in a while. When you consider the whole of creation, it seems to be only a small, insignificant part. What did Christ say about sparrows? He said not one of them shall fall to the ground without your Father. Then He said something even more marvelous. He said to not be afraid, for you are of more value than many sparrows! (Matthew 10:29-31). If He cares enough about the little sparrow to feed it and to make sure it has a place to build its home, how much more does He love you, who are created in His image?

God's Word says, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). When God looks at you, He sees a person He thinks is absolutely awesome! Consider this: if you are a believer, you can say the following things about yourself: (1) I have peace with God (Romans 5:1); (2) I am accepted by God (Ephesians 1); (3) I am a child of God (John 1:12); (4) The Holy Spirit lives in me (1 Corinthians 3:16); (5) I have access to God's wisdom (James 1:5); (6) God helps me (Hebrews 4:16); (7) I am reconciled to God (Romans 5:11); (8) I have no condemnation (Romans 8:1); (9) I am justified (Romans 5:1); (10) I have His righteousness (Romans 5:19; 2 Corinthians 5:21); (11) I am His representative (2 Corinthians 5:20); (12) I am completely forgiven (Colossians 1:14); (13) I have my needs met by God (Philippians 4:19); (14) I am tenderly loved (Jeremiah 31:3); (15) I am the temple of God (1 Corinthians 3:16); (16) I am without guilt (Colossians 1:22).

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