Questions and Answers

Peer Pressure

I know a lot of people, but I don't feel like I have many friends. What is a friend?

There are three levels of friendship. There are casual friends, which would include people that you speak to, but probably don't know real well. Casual friends would probably include most of the people in your youth group or classes (or on your job if you work), the guy who uses the locker next to you, or the girl who sits behind you on the bus. Then there are close friends. This would include the people who sit next to you in church, in class or during lunch, or those you hang out with on the weekend. Finally, there are your committed friends. You have many casual friends and only a few close friends. But out of your close friends, there may be only two or three friends whom you consider to be committed friends. You share a deep level of friendship and trust with them, and tell them your problems and concerns, and share with them your most intimate secrets. It is these friends "who are coming in the door when all your other friends are leaving."

Looking at these classifications of friends, we can see why or how someone could be lonely, even though they are surrounded by people. Lonely people have many casual friends, and perhaps even a few close friends. But they have no one person they can say is a committed friend, whom they can trust and can talk to about personal and intimate things.

Friends can keep you from being lonely. When you are hurting or sad, they can comfort you. When you don't know what to do, they can give you advice and guidance. And they can be a source of encouragement when you feel like giving up. But they are also the source of peer pressure, and can influence you to do good things, or they can influence you to do bad things. Who you choose to be your friends now can have a positive or negative influence on you, perhaps for the rest of your life.

What exactly is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the powerful and persuasive influence your friends have over you. It can cause you to associate with certain people, to wear certain clothes, to use certain words or language, or to hang out at certain places, all in an effort to conform to their standards, or, in other words, to try and fit it. Many times you do things, even though deep inside your heart you feel they are wrong, or perhaps you even feel stupid. But you want to fit in and appear cool, so you do them. The sources of influence in a teenager's life to measure up to a given standard has shifted dramatically in the past thirty years, from parents and teachers to, in modern society, friends and the entertainment industry.

You have a need to be loved and accepted, and nobody likes to be rejected, especially for something as dumb as wearing straight-leg jeans when bell-bottoms are the style. But it happens. You (hopefully) are a child of God, and He wants you to find rest and peace in knowing that He loves you as His chosen child. When you lose sight of God's love and acceptance of you, you begin to turn to your friends to find acceptance. The greater your insecurity, the greater your need for acceptance and the more significant the opinions of your friends will become. For many teens, the opinions of their friends becomes the driving force of their life.

Do my parents understand the pressure I am under to fit in?

Yes, they do. The temptations and the culture may be different with each generation, but human nature remains the same. The need to be loved and accepted and to "fit in" has always been around.

My boyfriend is pressuring me to have sex with him. What should I do? I don't know if I can keep waiting and I might lose him. He says one time won't hurt.

When the Bible talks about love, the first characteristic it mentions is patience (see 1 Corinthians 13:4). Love is patient. But lust must be fulfilled now. His feelings of love may actually be feelings of lust, for he is pressuring you into something he should be willing to wait for. If he does have lustful feelings toward you, then if you give in to him, you have lost him already. He got what he was after, and he will move on.

Surprisingly, teen girls receive more pressure to lose their virginity from their own girl friends than they do from guys. Your purity is special and is to be reserved for your wedding night with that special man God has for you. Don't give away something you can never give away again just because your friends are pressuring you to be like them. One teen girl told her friends, "In five minutes, I can become like you. But try as hard as you can, you can never again become like me."

It only takes one time to lose your virginity. It only takes one time to get pregnant. It only takes one time to catch a disease, such as herpes, gonorrhea, or even AIDS. Is it worth it?

Some of my friends tease me because I have never drank or took drugs. They say it will make me outgoing and loosen me up, and I will be popular. Is that true?

You've heard the old saying, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Just because all of your friends are doing something, doesn't mean it is a smart thing for you to do. Alcoholism is America's third largest health problem, and is implicated in 200,000 deaths every year. It has ruined many lives and broken many marriages and homes. And guess what? Every alcoholic began with his or her first drink. When you friends say you are too scared to take a drink, tell them you are not scared, but smart. The Bible says, "The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it. Thorns and snares are in the way of the perverse; he who guards himself will be far from them." (Proverbs 22:3,5 NASB).

Your friends says that drinking makes you popular. What if tomorrow, they say that smoking pot makes you popular? And what if the day after that, they say that smoking crack makes you popular? It's a cycle that never ends. It is better to stick to your convictions and be unpopular than to compromise your convictions and be popular. If your friends only like you because you smoke or drink, then they aren't really true friends anyway.

If you want a personality makeover and to loosen up, drinking or smoking pot will definitely do the trick. You will probably be the life of party. Or you might die in a car accident trying to get home (and don't forget the hangover and trying to remember what you did while you were drunk or high). If you want a personality makeover, try this: "Do not get drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit"! (Ephesians 5:18). Coming under the influence of drugs or alcohol will make you act differently. You may not know how it will affect you and make you act either. But you do know how the Holy Spirit will make you act, for it is His job to mold you into the image of Christ Jesus.

Your school or campus needs to see someone who is different that everyone else, and who has a reputation for thinking different. Your friends rarely see a difference between people who claim to be Christian and those who are not. Be different, stand out among the crowd, and go against the flow!

What should I do if my friends make fun of me for being a Christian?

It won't always be easy when you take a stand for Christ. Your friends will watch you, and you will indeed be a "living epistle, known and read of men" (2 Corinthians 3:2). Perhaps you will be teased, or they may give you a hard time if you do something wrong, or question everything you do. You know you aren't perfect, so don't pretend you are. When questioned about your faith, always take a stand for your convictions and for Christ, and do it in love, remembering that if it wasn't for God's grace, you would be like them. The quickest way to turn your friends off is too have a holier-than-thou attitude by saying, "I'm a good Christian and I don't do those things!"

Many times, the best response is to say nothing when they make fun of you. Listen to the Holy Spirit within you, for He will tell you when to keep quiet, and when to speak, and will also tell you what to say (Luke 12:11-12). Have you ever thought about Jesus and the two thieves He was crucified with? Both of the thieves ridiculed and mocked Christ. But something about Christ made one of the thieves change his mind. There was something different about this Man, and what was it? Could it be that it was because Jesus said nothing as the people accused Him and laughed at Him? Jesus' quietness that day led to the salvation of one more soul.

Always have a meek and gentle spirit about you, and be ready to answer any one who questions you (1 Peter 3:15). Stand for your faith and convictions, but don't be self-righteous. If you lose friends, keep in mind that they are not really rejecting you, but Christ. And remember the promises Jesus made, "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." (Matthew 5:11-12).

How can I get the power and strength to say "no" to temptation and to pressure from my friends?

It definitely takes more than just making a New Year's resolution to break a bad habit. Home exercise equipment purchased in January is usually for sale in February. First, think about how you will react and what you will do or say the next time you are tempted or pressured by your friends. Second, do not place yourself in situations where you know you will face temptation. If you know that there will be beer and pot at the "cool" party everyone is going to after the game Saturday night, then don't go. Third, obtain new friends, join a youth group or a Bible club at school. Hang out with friends that love Jesus and do no participate in questionable activities. Finally, make Bible reading a daily habit and be filled with the Spirit. David wrote in the Psalms, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." (Psalms 119:11). The apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians, "Be not drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit." (Ephesians 5:18). The Holy Spirit will convict you of sin, and He will be that gentle voice in your heart that guides you and strengthens you to resist temptation. Paul wrote, "Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." (Galatians 5:16).

How can I make a difference in the lives of my friends? I want to influence them, instead of them influencing me.

Peer pressure can be negative, but it can also be positive. To have an influence in your school, you must not only resist negative peer pressure, but exert positive peer pressure. Witness to those around you who don't know Jesus, and influence your friends who do know Christ to draw closer to Him. Start a Christian Club to encourage each other, and to hold school-wide activities through which you can spread the Gospel. Whatever you do, don't just talk it, but walk it. It only takes one person totally committed to Christ to start a revival, and it could be you!

Right now, my six-year-old son thinks I can do anything, and that there is nothing I do not know. I realize though that he will not always feel that way. In a couple of years, he will realize that there are some things I don't know. In his early teens, he will think I don't know anything, and by his mid to late teens, he will think that I'm an alien from the Planet Dork. His friends' Dads will be cool, but me? No way! But, then by the end of his college years, he will begin to realize I may know a few things, like maybe I might know something about buying a car, or deciding on a job offer. Then as he continues to grow older, and especially after he gets married and becomes a parent, he will realize just how much I do know, and will seek my advice on many things. Then as he approaches retirement, he will wish he could discuss things with me, just one more time.

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