Question and Answer

My Parents

Why don't my parents understand what it is like to be a teenager? They are always lecturing me, "When I was your age...."

Don't be too hard on them. They do understand what it is like, and they try to relate to your experiences by recalling their own. Which is why they are always saying, "I remember when..." or "When I was your age..." (though I'm not sure if your Dad really did walk 2 miles to school in the snow). What they do have trouble remembering, because their priorities have changed over the years, is the intensity of the feelings you have or just how important some things are to you. For example, as adults trying to make ends meet every month, it is a high priority for them to be able to provide you with clothes. But to you, it is a high priority to have the latest fashions or the coolest pair of sneakers just like your friends have. And sometimes your priorities conflict with your parent's priorities, like when they want to buy you $15 sneakers at K-Mart instead of the $120 Air Jordans from the mall.

Whatever you do, keep the lines of communication open. When they start saying, "I remember when...", don't roll your eyes and walk away. It's too easy to get frustrated and give up. Communication can be hard work, for you and for your folks. Avoid saying or thinking things that will kill your communication efforts, such as, "They won't understand", or "They never listen to me", or "We will just end up fighting". Chances are, your Mom and Dad may be thinking these same things about you. And you'll never get anywhere this way. It may not seem like you are making progress, but if you and your parents can sit down and talk to each other respectfully with cool heads and calm tempers, even if you disagree, then you are indeed making progress.

Did you know the Bible records a time when Jesus' parents did not understand Him? He was twelve years old (approaching His teen years) and was teaching in the temple. Mary and Joseph had spent three days looking everywhere for Him, and finally found Him in the temple (imagine how upset your parents would be if you were missing for three days!). I'll let Luke finish the story, "His mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? Behold, thy father and I sought thee sorrowing. And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? Knew ye not that I must be in my Father's house? And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them." (Luke 2:48-50). We see a conflict in priorities here: Mary and Joseph are concerned for their Son's safety, and Jesus desires to be about the work of God, His Father. Even though Jesus' desires and intentions were good and righteous, the scripture teaches us something here. Luke says, "And (Jesus) went down with them, and came to Nazareth; and he was subject unto them." The word "subject" means "to obey, to yield to, to be subordinate to". Jesus knew it was more important at this time that He set an example of being obedient to your parents, than to disobey, even though He was doing the work of God.

Do I have to obey my parents if they are not Christians? What if they are hypocrites and tell me to do one thing while they do something else?

If you are a Christian, then it is your responsibility to obey your parents, whether they are believers or not. Romans 13:1 says, "Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God." (Romans 13:1 NASB). By obeying your parents, you're expressing your love and obedience to God.

Sometimes parents don't seem fair, especially when they try to apply the double standard (you' ll have to deal with the double standard your entire life). Your Dad grounds you two weeks because you told a lie, but the next morning, he calls in sick and then goes to the golf course. Or your parents say you have to go to church no matter how bad you feel, but they stay home for any reason.

Unfortunately, not many people practice what they preach. There is an old saying, "Actions speak louder than words", and how true it is. This is why the scriptures tell us that our faith profits little unless we have works also, for people will pay no attention to what we say if our lifestyle contradicts our speech (see James 2:14-26). Your parents aren't perfect (you've probably noticed). But as a child of God, it is your responsibility to obey those over you just because of who you are, and not because of what they do or don't do.

How can I get my parents to trust me?

One of the complaints teens have is that their parents don't seem to trust them; don't trust them to stay out late, don't trust them with the car, don't trust them to study, don't trust them on dates, don't trust them to..... well, you get the idea. Your parents love you just because you are their son or daughter. But they can't trust you just because you are their son or daughter. Building trust requires you to demonstrate responsibility, whether it is doing your chores without being told, or admitting you broke your Dad's favorite tool (and not blaming your little brother). And every time you show your parents that you are responsible, their level of trust in you will rise a little more. They may be thinking, "I can't trust him to take the garbage out once a week. How can I trust him to take someone's daughter out once a week!" It takes a lot of work to raise up someone's level of trust, but it doesn't take much to wipe it out. If you don't think your parents trust you, sit down and talk to them. Ask them what you do that makes you not trustworthy, and then make the necessary changes in your behavior. Prove to them you are responsible and mature, and they will give you more freedom.

Everytime I go out, when I come home, my parents ask me so many questions. How can I get them to chill out a little?

Let's say you are dating the star quarterback on your high school football team (you lucky girl you). And you read in a magazine where star athletes have a high tendency to date several girls at one time. Wouldn't you be a little afraid your boyfriend might be dating other girls? Wouldn't you tend to question him a little if he was always too busy to go out? or worry if you saw him talking with another girl?

Admit it now, you would be a little afraid. And your parents are afraid too. Almost everyday, the newspaper or the television is filled with stories of teen pregnancy, teen suicides, school shootings, teen drug use, or the rise of sexual activity among teens. So try to understand that they are a little afraid when they ask you questions. They can't shield and protect you anymore, and you are making more and more decisions on your own. Your parents love you and they are concerned for your safety. Communicate with them and tell them about your day, about the new guy in History class, about how worried you are concerning your math test tomorrow. If you talk to them freely, they will have to ask you less questions to squeeze information out of you.

Why are my Mom and Dad so old-fashioned? They need to get with the times!

Well, believe it or not, this is just a phase you are going through which will pass. So give your parents some time - they will grow out of it!

Right now, my six-year-old son thinks I can do anything, and that there is nothing I do not know. I realize though that he will not always feel that way. In a couple of years, he will realize that there are some things I don't know. In his early teens, he will think I don't know anything, and by his mid to late teens, he will think that I'm an alien from the Planet Dork. His friends' Dads will be cool, but me? No way! But, then by the end of his college years, he will begin to realize I may know a few things, like maybe I might know something about buying a car, or deciding on a job offer. Then as he continues to grow older, and especially after he gets married and becomes a parent, he will realize just how much I do know, and will seek my advice on many things. Then as he approaches retirement, he will wish he could discuss things with me, just one more time.

My parents are getting a divorce! I'm so hurt and confused. What can I do?

Unfortunately, divorce is very common in modern society, with about half of all marriages ending in divorce. That means that half of your friends have, or will, experience the pangs of divorce. Divorce is always terrible, and is especially painful if children are involved. It can leave you angry, hurt, depressed, betrayed, confused or bitter (probably, all of the above). You may even think that it is your fault.

In a divorce where fighting and angry and bitter feelings are expressed between your parents, it can leave you feeling like you are being split in two. Dad makes you feel guilty for spending so much time with Mom. Then your Mom feels unwanted because you are spending so much time with Dad. You are caught in the middle of their competition to see who you love the most.

They are some wrong ways you can deal with your parent's divorce. You can withdraw and bottle everything up inside. You can put a "chip on your shoulder" and dare anyone to say anything or get in your way. You can put on a false mask and act happy all the time like nothing happened. You can be hurt so much by your parents' failure that you become obsessed with succeeding, no matter what it takes. Instead of responding in these negative ways, respond positively by learning from the experience and moving on with life. Find a Christian friend you trust, a Sunday School teacher, your youth pastor or pastor, and share your feelings and fears. Don't be afraid to cry or to be angry. Getting the hurt out and dealing with it is part of the healing process.

You must realize that just because your parents are divorcing, it does not mean your life is over. You are valuable and important to God, and He still has a plan and purpose for your life. God can take the pieces of your life and put them back together again, and make you a better person. Romans 8:28-29 promises, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." It is God's purpose to mold you into the image of His Son, and He can and will use this situation to fulfill His ultimate purpose. Don't try to run from your past, for growth doesn't come in running, but in standing! And finally, remember to pray for your Mom and Dad, and for your brothers and sisters. And pray for your friends whose parents may be divorcing. They all really need it at this time.

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