Questions and Answers

Love

I saw this new girl at school today, and Wow!, I was almost knocked over! Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

I don't think there is love at first sight. Love, a real, true committed love, cannot be determined at first sight, and is not based upon appearance. But you definitely can be attracted to someone at first sight, and this attraction can blossom into love over time.

We use the term "love" very loosely in our society. I "love" to eat. I "love" to go to the beach. I "love" to hang out with friends. And I "love" the new girl I saw at school today, even though I've never talked to her. Trying to define what real love is can sometimes be confusing. What is thought to be love may actually be infatuation or attraction. But real love is tested by time and circumstance.

There are two types of love: conditional and unconditional. Conditional loves says, "I love you because...", or "I love you if...". You have to perform at a certain level or live up to a certain standard, and if those standards aren't met, then love fades. For instance, "I love you because you are pretty", or "I love you because you dress cool and have a sportscar and a rich Daddy", or "I love you because you are popular and are on the football team," or "I love you if you treat me right", or "I love you if you have sex with me." If you are kicked off the football team, wreck your sportscar, and start taking your girlfriend to burger joints instead of to fancy restaurants, conditional love says your girlfriend won't be around much longer. But, unconditional love says your girlfriend will love you, no matter what (you know - for better or for worse). Unconditional love is real love, which stands every test and every circumstance, and will last forever.

I was involved with a guy for a couple of years and loved him very much. We broke up a few weeks ago, but I'm still hurting inside. What can I do to get over this hurt?

When you love someone for a long time and that relationship is ended suddenly, it can cause pain, hurt, and disappointment. These feelings are natural, and are almost the same feelings you experience when a loved one passes away. It is good to admit you are hurt instead of hiding behind a false mask or bottling your feelings up inside you. Admitting you are hurt and dealing with your feelings are important steps to getting over the pain of breaking up.

It is said that "Time heals all wounds". And that is just what you need - time. You need time to regroup, to heal, and to refocus. Avoid entering a new relationship right now and instead, spend time with your family and with friends. Though you may feel emotional and even shed many tears over the next few weeks, it doesn't mean you are still in love or that you could never love anyone else. It simply means that it takes time to heal wounds, for memories to fade, and for your emotions to recover. During this time, don't leave God out of the healing process. Pray and ask God to heal your broken heart and to help you. Ask Him to give you a forgiving heart so that you don't hold bitterness and anger inside you. It may not be easy, but in time you will be able to forgive him for hurting you, and emotional healing will come. And also, the ability to be able to trust will come again. Hey, you just never know what cute guy may show up at your church youth group!

How can I know if I've found the right person to marry?

This can be a difficult question to answer. Sometimes, a relationship "just feels right". You can feel it in your heart, and things just "click". This was how it happened between me and my wife. We had a great relationship and it "just felt right". We were married less than a year after we first met, and have now been married for ten years and have two beautiful boys. But for other couples, the decision is not so easy. The relationship is good, but there is the occasional fight or disagreement, or you sometimes have trouble getting along, or there are compatibility issues, which raise questions and doubts in your mind. "Is this person the right one for me? Does God have one special person picked out just for me?"

Here is something you can do to answer this question. (1) Take a look at the relationship, how long you've known each other, and how much you know and understand about each other. Compare your opinions and feelings on major issues and topics: church, finances, family, career goals, etc. However, you may find that very often it is not big issues and problems which hurt a marriage, but it is the little things: "He's a slob. She never cleans. He is always over at his mother's house. She's always spending money on foolish things. All he does is watch TV. She can't cook like Mom. He always leaves hair in the sink. Gross!" After you say, "I do", is not the time to find out you are not compatible on many important issues. (2) Determine if your love for each other is conditional or unconditional. (see the first question on love at first sight). Does your love stand through tests or circumstances, or is it easily shaken and unstable? Compare your love to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. (3) Get an objective opinion. Have your best friend or your parents look at the relationship. Their experiences can give you valuable insights, perhaps on things you've never thought of. (4) Finally, pray, pray, pray. God may not come down and tell you, "I want you to marry Joe Groom." But His Word offers guidance to help both of you make the right decision, and He will give you peace and assurance that you are in His will.

My parents cannot give their blessing for us to get married, for we have too many problems which haven't been worked out. Wouldn't it be easier to solve all of our problems after we are married?

Absolutely not. If you are looking at buying a car which you know has some mechanical problems, you don't buy the car first and then try to get it fixed. You want to make sure everything is running right before you make the purchase. Shouldn't your decision to get married, a decision which will affect your entire life, be made with the same consideration? One of the best things about getting married is that you no longer have to tell each other bye and go home. One of the worst things about getting married is that you no longer have to tell each other bye and go home. In addition to the problems you have now, marriage itself will bring a new set of obstacles and issues to overcome. It is best to solve any problems you have now so that you can focus your attention on overcoming the obstacles which will arise after you say, "I do."

Shouldn't we live together first? That way we'll know if we're compatible.

Living together is not the same as marriage. There is no real binding commitment, and the arrangement is easily broken. Marriage vows are made publicly before people and before God to love each other "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live." Something divine and wonderful happens when a man and woman exchanges marriage vows - the two become one. This is missing when a couple chooses to live together outside of marriage. God has established the bounds of marriage and the family unit as the building block for society. To live together without making the life-long commitment to God and to each other is not proper and is sin. And living together will not help you determine if you are compatible. Studies show that couples who thought themselves compatible while living together discovered they were not compatible after marriage. And research shows that couples who live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate.

The following is an excerpt from Katherine Kersten's article on cohabitation which appeared in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune. It's interesting to note that this article appeared in a secular newspaper and is not written with a religious slant:

"Everyone knows that American family structure is changing. In recent decades, large increases in divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing have dramatically altered the social landscape. But a related social change has received little attention. That's the extraordinary rise in cohabitation, in which an unmarried man and woman share a household as sexual partners. Since 1960, cohabitation has increased by over 1,000 percent. Today, about a quarter of unmarried women between 25 and 39 are living with a male partner, and about half report having done so at some time.

"But there's growing evidence that cohabitation is not an effective way to prepare for marriage, and actually raises the risk of divorce. In June, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University released a review of recent research on the issue. The report is entitled "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation Before Marriage". Among the report's findings is this: Couples who cohabit before marriage are much more likely to divorce after marriage than those who don't. Cohabiting couples who don't marry also break up at a rate that greatly exceeds the nation's divorce rate. It's not hard to see why. Compared with married couples, cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and poorer relationships with parents. Annual rates of depression among cohabitors are more than three times higher than among married couples.

"By almost every measure, married couples are better off than cohabitors: On average, they live longer, have better physical and mental health, and are more productive in the labor force. Cohabitation also poses special risks to women and children... Female cohabitors are victims of domestic violence far more often than married women, and children in unmarried households are at much greater risk for physical and sexual abuse than those in intact families. Indeed, the most unsafe of all family environments is that in which the mother is living with someone other than her children's biological father.

What explains these differences between married and cohabiting couples? Partly, it's "selection effect'': As a group, people who choose to cohabit differ in certain ways from those who don't. On average, for example, cohabitors are less religious and have lower incomes. In addition, however, the act of cohabitation seems to change people's attitudes toward marriage in ways that make a stable marriage less likely. Cohabitation is governed by an ethic of low commitment. As a result, cohabiting couples are less likely than married couples to sacrifice for each other, or to develop vital skills of communication and conflict resolution. For contemporary Americans, cohabitation's fundamental attraction is its embrace of a hallmark quality of our age: self-absorption. By definition, cohabitation is more about "me'' than "we.'' Each partner is free to leave the moment he or she no longer feels happy or fulfilled. A cohabiting couple do not promise to stand by one another ``for richer, for poorer'' or "in sickness and in health.'' On the contrary, cohabitation's great attraction is that it preserves the ability to walk out on a partner when times get tough, without legal or social penalty. Marriage remains the most stable of all family forms."

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