Real World Issues

Forgiving Others

"He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted..... to set at liberty them that are bruised." (Luke 4:18).

Maybe your wound is fresh. Or perhaps it is old. A family member abused you. A spouse was unfaithful to you. A friend betrayed you. A co-worker used you for a stepping stone. Someone you trusted let you down. You are hurting. And you are angry... at life... at people... perhaps even at God. But not only are you hurting, you are bitter. Part of you wants to cry, but the other part of you wants to fight back. Part of you wants to get over it, but the other part wants to get even. It is no wonder then that the writer of Hebrews penned, "Looking diligently... lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled." (Hebrews 12:15).

It seems strange, when you think about it, that Jesus said He came to set at liberty them that are bruised. People who are bruised need healing. But freedom? Could it be because many people who have been bruised and broken in heart have become bitter, their minds consumed with anger, trapped in a desire for revenge? This is why Jesus taught, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." (Matthew 5:44). The act of forgiveness is probably more important to the one forgiving, than to the one needing forgiveness. With forgiveness comes freedom. Without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left.

My mother's father was a drunkard. He spent his time and money partying, often leaving home for days or weeks or even months, while his wife and seven children eeked out an existence in a two-room metal shed with only a pot-bellied stove for heat, no electricity and no running water. When the father did come home, he yelled at the children, hit them, and often threatened their mom with physical violence, even weapons. As my mom grew older, got married, and moved away, she began to think of her dad. One day, she felt God was wanting her to find him, and to ask his forgiveness. "Wait a minute! He beat me! He yelled at me! He partied while we just barely made ends meet from day to day! And I have to forgive him?" It was hard, but she found him in a nursing home, stooped over, his face wrinkled and weighed down from years of wreckless living. "Will you forgive me?", she said. When she said that, oh the change that took place! The weights were lifted! The burden on her heart was gone! The bitterness and hatred left and peace and freedom flooded her soul!

There are 8 Steps to Finding Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge the pain. Sometimes it's hard to admit you've been hurt because doing so intensifies the feelings. But you won't be able to work through the pain until you admit you're hurting. Tears are a pretty good indicator that something's wrong. So are feelings of resentment.

2. Think through the pain. Be honest about how you feel, even if you think you shouldn't feel that way. Admit that you don't like what happened or how you were treated and that it makes you sad or angry. Try writing these feelings in a journal or sharing them with a trusted Christian friend.

3. Put yourself in the shoes of your offender. Think about a time when you have wronged another person, maybe your parents, a sibling or a friend. You needed their forgiveness. Did that person extend forgiveness to you, or withhold it? How did it make you feel? When it comes to forgiving others, remember these words from Jesus: "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you " (Matthew 7:12).

4. Remember that God forgave you. If you're a Christian, you've admitted your need for God's forgiveness. Remem bering how he forgave you, when you didn't deserve it, can help you forgive others. You may not be ready at this point to voice your forgiveness to your offender. In fact, communication with that person may be impossible if, for example, the person is no longer living. That's OK. You can forgive someone without having your offender accept your forgiveness.

5. Remember that God commands us to forgive. When Jesus taught about prayer, he stressed the importance of forgiving others (Luke 11:14). And in Mark 11:25, he says, "If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him "

6. Let go of the pain. Once you've gone through the stages above, refuse to hold onto your hurt. Don't replay the offense over and over. Allowing yourself to get sad or angry again and again will only cause you more pain. Determine that you are going to choose to forgive your offender. Your emotions might not agree with this decision. This is where prayer comes in. Tell God you want to forgive, and ask him to change your heart toward the person who wronged you. You may want to consider voicing forgiveness to your offender either vocally or through a letter. But again, if this isn't possible, it doesn't mean you haven't expressed forgiveness.

7. Continue to forgive. If the wound was deep, you'll probably have to forgive more than once. When memories of the wrong come to mind and you find yourself getting worked up over it, immediately go to God in prayer.

8. Pray for the one who hurt you. It may be impossible to restore a relationship with your offender. For example, you don't know where the person lives or contacting this person could be a safety risk. But you can pray for the one who hurt you. Ask God to reveal his love to your offender. Doing so will help you to release any remaining resentment.

Jesus does not ask you to do anything He did not do Himself

Jesus said, "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." (Mark 11:25-26). If you are bitter or angry toward a friend or family member, forgive them of what they have done to you, and let God's peace come into your soul. Jesus does not ask of us anything He did not do Himself. Almost through the entire ordeal of His capture and mock trial, Jesus had kept quiet. "As a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth," Isaiah prophesied (Isaiah 53:7). When the twelve disciples scattered like frightened animals before the temple guards, Jesus said nothing. As false accusations were hurled at Him from an angry council, He retaliated not. As the mob lining the streets accused Him and tempted Him to save Himself, He suffered in silence. As the nails pierced His hands and feet, He did not scream, nor call down the angels of glory as He could have done. But, His first words after being crucified and left to die were, "Father, forgive them."

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