Questions and Answers

Dating

I'm fourteen years old, but my parents won't let me date until I'm sixteen. I don't think its fair. What do you think?

This is one of the issues that can cause a lot of conflict between a teen and his or her parents. Physical age is important, but emotional and spiritual maturity are more important. If you (1) are not easily influenced by friends and peer pressure, (2) have committed yourself to remain sexually pure, (3) are determined not to compromise your convictions, beliefs and commitment to Christ, (4) are dating more for friendship than for romance, (5) can talk to your parents respectfully and with maturity about dating without getting defensive or yelling at them, and finally (6) have your parents' permission, then you are ready to start dating, or at least double dating.

Physical age is important and does play a role, however, since in most cases, the older a teen is, the more mature they are. A study found that ninety-one percent of girls who started dating at age twelve became sexually active before they graduated high school, while only twenty percent of girls who started dating at age sixteen became sexually active.

My Dad don't seem to like any guy I go out with. How can I get him to chill out a little?

Try to understand where your dad is coming from. You have always been his "little girl" (and always will be). Now, another guy comes along and wants to take you away, and your Dad reacts by being protective, and perhaps sometimes too much. Dads are eternal pessimists regarding their children and automatically think the worst. Any guy you bring home is a jerk. They have many fears; they are afraid of losing you (even though it's just a date), that you and the guy might get too physically close, and that he might break your heart and hurt you. Your Dad would feel extremely guilty if his little daughter was hurt, and there was something he could have done to stop it. And it's not really that he don't trust you, as much as he don't trust the guy and his raging hormones (your Dad remembers too well what it is like to be teenage boy).

The transition you and your parents are in right now is difficult for both of you. They've always had control and protected you, while you are becoming more independent and wanting to make more decisions on your own. They realize they have to release more control to you and let you make more choices, and this is not easy for them. So, keep all of this in mind. Talk to your Dad, or to both of your parents, and tell them that you have chosen to remain sexually pure, that you are determined to live up to Christ-like standards and convictions you have set, and tell them what qualities you are looking for in a guy. This will help ease their fears, and in time, your Dad will probably be a little less intimidating when your date comes to pick you up.

I'm dating someone who is five years older than me. Is that okay?

Five years is not much difference if both of you are over twenty-five, but when you are teens, there is a big difference between a thirteen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old, in both emotional and physical maturity. I'm six years older than my wife (I'm 37 and she's 31). But I'm sure that when I was eighteen, I definitely would not have been interested in a twelve-year-old girl. One must ask why a person would want to date someone much older or much younger. Young girls usually want to date an older guy because their friends will think they are cool, and it makes them feel more mature. But older guys usually want to date a younger girl because they have more control in the relationship, have big egos, or are just insecure.

If you are a teen thinking of dating someone four or five years younger/older than you, take a long, serious look at why. You will find you have more in common with someone the same age as you, or within a one-two year age difference.

I'm good friends with this black girl in my class, and I'm white. I'm thinking about asking her out. Is it okay to date someone of a different race?

Scripturally speaking, there does not seem to be anything wrong with dating someone from a different race. In God's eyes, Paul writes, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28; see also Colossians 3:11). In other words, we are all equal in God's eyes and He does not favor any one person over another because of nationality, race, sex or social status.

Culturally speaking, however, is where you may run into some problems. Depending on what part of the United States or the world you live in, the culture may frown upon the union of different races. Of course, it is only a date. But if you have serious feelings for a person of another race, then you must answer some very important questions concerning how your family feels about interracial marriage, how it is viewed in your culture or society, and if there is a danger of public ridicule or even violent persecution. Also, consider the children conceived in your marriage. How will society view them? Will they be ridiculed and teased? So the question isn't really is it right or wrong, but is it wise or unwise. If you are sure it is God's will that you both be together, then He will give you the strength to get you through any difficulty.

I really like this guy; he is very nice, but he is not a Christian. Is it okay to date someone who isn't a Christian? What if I lead him to Christ? Wouldn't that make it all worthwhile?

Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, and will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." (2 Corinthians 6:14-18).

A common illustration is used when talking of being yoked together with unbelievers. Farmers, before the days of tractors, had to plow up a field, either with a hoe and shovel, or by hooking a horse, ox or donkey to a plow. If the farmer was fortunate and had several large beasts of burden, he could hook two animals to his plow. The animals would be joined together by a yoke which was placed upon the top of their necks. In order for the plow to go straight, the animals would have to be equal in size and strength. Now read this next statement very closely: If the farmer yoked two different animals together, the weaker animal would slow down the plow and cause it to veer off course. The stronger animal could not pull and work to its full potential because it was yoked to a slower and weaker animal. This is why you always see two horses, two oxen, or two donkeys hooked to a plow, and never a mixture.

This is the idea behind the apostle Paul's instructions to the church at Corinth. "Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers." Paul said to not be in any binding or strong union with an unbeliever; this would be true for friendship, dating, marriage, or even business partnerships. The idea is that the weaker person would cause the whole relationship to veer off course, or that the weaker person would keep the stronger believer from living up to his or her full potential in Christ. This is the error in the thoughts of girls or boys who think that they can date an unbeliever, hoping that the unbeliever will change or even be saved. While this may happen on occasion, the trend is that the unbeliever drags the saved person down, causing them to pick up old habits or vices they had forsaken when they became Christians, and their relationship with Christ suffers.

Don't fall into the trap of making excuses such as, "He understands me", or "She accepts me for who I am", or "He's really changing", or "I might lead her to Christ", or "I haven't gone out in a long time and I'm bored and lonely." The message and promise is made clear to us: come out from among them and be separate, and touch not the unclean thing, and God will receive us, and He will be a Father unto us, and we will be His sons and daughters. What a glorious promise! Nothing or no one is worth the risk of losing our position with God.

Is it okay to date someone from another denomination? Aren't we all the same?

This situation is a little more difficult to explain, especially at the risk of speaking against one denomination and for another. Unfortunately, the Christian world is divided into several thousand denominations. Many are similar, while others are as different as night is from day. It is okay to date someone from another denomination as long as you are just seeking friendship. If you are dating someone seriously and love this person, then you should attend the same church, hopefully with your parents as well. If you are dating someone seriously who attends a church in a different denomination, then this could pose a problem. Here you have two people yoked together who are similar, yet at the same time they are not quite equal. Hopefully, both the young man and young woman are open minded and willing to discuss the matter to find a solution as to which church they should attend. If the relationship blossoms into marriage, it is doomed for failure if both individuals, whose faith or church is important to them, attend different churches. And I firmly believe that God desires couples to walk together in unity; the two become one. "Can two walk together," Amos the prophet spoke, "except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3). There are some questions the couple must ask and examine to determine if they can both agree on a church home, especially if their denominations have extreme differences.

The important thing is to examine the tenets of faith of both churches - in other words, find out what each church believes and practices and compare it to the Scriptures. How strongly does the membership adhere to the tenets of faith, and to the Word of God? Is the entire Bible preached and teached? Does the church teach anything which is contrary to the Word of God? Does the membership in general seem worldly, not walking in holiness and righteousness? Are there lots of fellowship meetings and outings, but no prayer meetings and Bible studies? Does it seem like more of a social club than a church? If you have been baptized with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in other tongues, do you think you could attend a church where your experience is not shared, or even preached against? If you believe that the works you do for the Lord do not save you, but only your faith in Christ saves you, could you attend a church where works or acts of penance are required for salvation? If you believe in the cross, in salvation through the blood of Christ, in walking in holiness and purity, and that Jesus is returning soon, could you attend a church where such basic tenets have been replaced with psychology-based teachings? Also, think of the children conceived in your marriage. Which church will they go to? Could going to different churches lead them to confusion? Could it lead to heated arguments between you and your spouse? It is best to examine these questions before the relationship becomes serious enough that engagement or marriage is discussed.

If you want to keep going to your church because the Bible is preached in its entirety and you love the Lord and want to walk in holiness, and your mate wants to keep going to their church just because that's where grandma went, then it's best to find out now before the relationship becomes too serious. It comes down to deciding what's more important: your relationship with God, or dating someone who does not believe or believes differently. The decision may be heartbreaking, but it must be made. God will give you a mate who loves Him and desires to serve Him.

.